Convoluted
by Unsayable
Summary: The mess which is James Potter's mind.   Because people have too many dimensions.
1. Chapter 1

**CONVOLUTED**

**CHAPTER 1**

**A/N: Hello all! Thanks for clicking into this. **_**Convoluted **_**is a fic I'm writing with my cousin FreezingPenguins. She actually puts more effort into this, I think, as it isn't her own work. Much of this would be based on ****word formatting because we were after something interesting-once again her idea. Sadly, the site won't allow something quite like Patrick Ness' mess, so we'll work with what we have. Thanks for reading!**

She hates me. She always has.

And at the start I asked for it.

(-_At the start, I hated her too.)_

It was a childish sort of hate. The squabblish type. It wasn't like my feelings of irk and distaste for Voldemort-

_(Never fear a name)-_

But I swore all sorts of stuff I never truly meant. We'd scream our hatred in corridors, we'd insult and try to hurt each other.

But I think we always cared for each other. I'd never let her die. She'd do the same. The moment I started pondering upon the subject I knew it.

It never was meant to be anything romantic. I didn't feel like that for her.

_I had thought._

I had a crush on her, sure. But never anything more. Never.

_Love was superficial-_

Love was too deep. I never wanted to feel that way for anyone. Never, to feel as if I would do anything for someone. To be willing to go to the ends of the earth for another. I wanted to get married and had that sort of light flighty emotion. Loads of people lived like that.

_I hate her for making me feel this. _

Then, she got hurt. By her own best friend.

_I provoked him._

I wanted to hide her behind me and save her from all the horrors of the world. I never wanted her to hurt again.

And I felt guilty. It wasn't explainable.

I was sixteen. I was not meant to feel so strongly for anyone.

Then again, I had risked everything I had for one of my best friends. I took up a forbidden branch or magic with my other friends for him.

I had publicly insulted the parents of the brother I never had. I told them off for being biased, for giving him a tough time, had offered my friend a place at my house permanently without my parents' consent. They tried to hex me. I'd probably been placed higher on a blacklist for that.

It didn't seem like a big deal.

As for the last friend in our little gang, he didn't seem to have so many problems. I just taught him magic, maybe gave him a bit of confidence and saved his ass once is a while.

_It was no big deal. No big deal. NO BIG DEAL. Lily hates my ego. My ego. Lily hates. LILY HATES ME. LILY HATES __**ME**__. LILY __**HATES **__ME._

I wasn't, aren't, all good of course. Sirius always said I looked like a bloody angel and acted nothing like one.

McGonagall phrased is more nicely. She said I had a misleading aura of pure innocence. I knew I didn't have one. I'd seen too much. I learnt, I sinned too much.

But I liked to have fun. I like being young. I loved life. I liked all the energy. I was reckless.

I think I have some sort of split personality, which were somehow joined by experience and thoughts because I was me and put simply, could not be anyone else.

_Lily saw the immature me._

The immature side wasn't even a complete part of the split. It was just the show I usually put on. Which was me and my compliance to entertain, amuse, have an outward personality and laugh. It sounds plastic, but really, it wasn't synthetic in any way. It was just how I acted. How I displayed myself as.

As we know, our minds are private. Our private mess. I think Sirius understands me better than anyone else and vice versa, but it still isn't complete. I don't even know myself so well. I surprise myself all the time.

_Lily doesn't want to see you._

_Mother loved me. Dad loved mother. _

_(I want her back.)_

Thoughts betray you, see? They go out of line. They aren't controllable. It's why I'm never anything but a prat in front of Lily. She made me nervous. I'm not sure, but I think it was an automatic defensive measure.

I doubt I wanted her to see me for me. Because I wanted-

_(needed)_

-A reason to resent her. Or all my control would go out of hand. And if she loved me too...

_She'd do anything._

We are much alike.

_(And I love her.)_

_I love her._

_**I LOVE LILY EVANS.**_

Sad but true. It's only in moments of clarity that I see the extent of our feelings. Then I'll ignore them all over again. Because really, they scare me. They would scare anyone.

Or I was a coward.

I was just too young. I wasn't ready. We didn't know each other well enough.

I just had all these dreams. These expectations.

I just wanted something slow, soft and sweet. That sort of relationship that everyone sighed about in the dark times. It required the right times.

I was willing to wait.

I didn't fully understand what I felt about her anyway.

I was probably a better person than she was ready to see, but darker, if it makes any sense.

People have too many dimensions.

But I knew I cared for her. Even when I thought I hated her, I admired her. I would be destroyed if she died, put it that way. Even as kids.

It's an emotion I only feel for two people-her and Sirius. I love my parents and Remus and Peter, but it isn't the same.

I'm sentimental, clingy and dependent I guess.

_I hate my mind._

I hate worrying. I hate thinking. I hate knowing a bright future is unlikely.

But I won't run away.

_My own mother wouldn't understand you if you told her everything._

She's on the other side now. I think mother would be able to read my mind. But it's such a mess I doubt she'll understand completely.

_And she'll be stuck with one hell of a headache. Headache from heaven. What's that like?_

I miss her. But I hope I'm not worse than what she thought of me.

I don't know how good or bad I am. I doubt anyone can be judged so easily.

But I'm me. And in a way, I'm dead proud of that.

**A/N: Work in progress. Run on sentences intentional. Please review? :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Convoluted**

**CHAPTER 2**

Maybe I should start at the beginning of this mess.

I was a good fifteen and eleven months. Maybe a little less than that.

I accomplished the art of being a full fledged Animagus towards the end of February. That was just after one full moon, so we thought we'd surprise Moony on his birthday.

After that, I forced Sirius and Pete into a fully intensive course and we accomplished it in a fortnight. Perhaps Moony felt alone during those few days, but we wanted the results of those final legs to be a surprise.

And it was. It was the most emotionally conflicting day of his life, March 11th 1976.

_The proudest day of mine. When I went as far to feel assured that I was a good person._

I think we, Sirius and I in particular, became a little too ahead of ourselves after this success. I know I went around feeling quite clever, knowing that my results didn't matter since I'd already been through the toughest known branch of Transfiguration.

_Stuck up prig._

Usually at the age of sixteen, most people are extremely insecure. By simply being confident, we stood out. Our already high social status skyrocketed.

_Lily called us arrogant and narcissistic._

I suppose it got into our heads a little.

And I went all out in my year long quest for my Lily-Flower.

Which, obviously, only succeeded in making her hate me more. If only if I was as good with her as I was at illegal magic.

_(And even idiots could deal with girls. Lily had a boyfriend once who had a straight running A-for-Acceptable average.)_

Needless to say, I never understood it. So I bragged and boasted. To show her I was smart, talented and better than whatever boy she stuck with.

_Very clever, that._

She never was mean to Severus Snape though, so I hated him loads.

Then one day I saved his life. In an event that nearly wrecked my friendship with Sirius, I saved his life.

_On __**Remus' **__behalf._

I got really mad with Sirius. He nearly made our best mate a killer. And killing was one of Remus' biggest fears. That and after staying with Remus for years, I wouldn't have curse lycanthropy on anyone.

SNIVELLIUS of course thought I took part in that ploy to have him killed. He thought I had chickened out and helped him to avoid guilt-and claim credit.

I was extremely insulted.

So between a guilt-wrecked Sirius, a snivelling creep, I hexed Snape no end to cheer Sirius up while getting my revenge.

Which ended up in that major screw up Sirius calls The Squid Incidence. See, Snape was...well, walking about as usual and it was during the OWL period. Sirius and I, frankly, were quite stressed due to the recovering friendship strain and out other two friends' endless worrying.

Actually, what Sirius said was that he was bored.

So I hexed Snape. Yeah. I did.

_Nasty bigger deserved it too._

Evans played the usual heroine and defended Snivelly. She didn't know the background story of course. Snape was forbidden to tell-and goodness knows, with us trying to get her attention so much,

_and Remus being her friend_

I think she had her suspicions about the werewolf part of it already anyway.

It would have been risky to allow her to even try to guess the rest.

_I wanted to tell her so that she would admire me even though it was selfish but I didn't though I thought of it way too much and it was wrong._

Self-centred urges crossed my mind.

So really, I had been hacked off. I was bordering on hopelessness by then. I thought I would ask her out just once more and give up.

The circumstances were rather unfortunate.

So, I bullied Snape. Who darn right deserved it.

Evans had to be a saint though. She went to stand up for the bastard.

I threatened to hex her.

_And wasted my chances._

I think that proved in her head that I wouldn't hesitate to hurt the people I claimed to like. I incriminated myself with that.

Snivellius went a step further.

_He called my Lily a mudblood. A __**mudblood**__. I hate to even think the word. Lily helped him. Lily cared, Lily loved, and I would have done anything to have her feel that way about me._

Although, I'm not sure they didn't have a small rift going on back then. I think she was suspicious of him.

_But what happened was . __**My. Fault.**_

It was. Not entirely, but yes.

She yelled at me then. Usually I'd yell back. It was an Evans/Potter tradition. But I didn't.

She said I was as bad as Snape. Even though I never, never would have used a biased, idealistic word like that. Never. My parents brought me up better. I was better than that.

But she said I was. She said she'd rather date the giant squid than me. She said that I was bad, horrible. As bad.

_It hurt. Because I didn't want to be bad. Because I wanted to be good and for her to think I was good and understand me and know me so that I could love her and she could love me back._

It didn't matter, really. That was when I gave up on her for a while.

_I'm a liar liar liar and I lie to myself._

As you can see, it was going to a long journey getting her to go out with me.

_Tedious too. And honestly, not so long. It happened in the same school, same place... Yes?_

Emotionally straining and filled with pessimism. I didn't believe she would ever hold me in good light for anything at all.

For a while, she really didn't.

**A/N: Hello all. We (FreezingPenguins and I) were both waiting for each other, so yeah. Long chapter in the making. Deliberate delays and all that.**

**Please review! And get the Take That Progressed EP/re-release if you haven't already! Though The Circus, we've agreed, is always going to be the best TT album.**

**Again, run on sentences intentional. And the entire fic is official disclaimed. It wouldn't be here is JKR didn't give fanfictions her blessing.**

**AND OH GOSH WE WATCHED HPDH2! :D I loved it, but FreezingPenguins thought it wasn't dramatic enough and that Pansy was too pretty. She thinks Hermione as Bellatrix was pure gold though. I agree! Helena is a freaking genius. Neville became so heroic. FP hated the ending. I didn't quite warm to it either. AND THEY MISSED OUT FRED'S DEATH :O How could they! And Draco's role was too minor. So I couldn't stare endless at his 3D hotness – because it WASN'T endless. Ah well. Go watch it anyway **


	3. Chapter 3

**CONVOLUTED **

**Chapter 3**

Lily was Sirius' friend before she was mine. Or maybe we never were friends at all.

I wasn't jealous, really.

_(yeah right.)_

After the whole whirlwind fiasco in fifth year, I was ready to give her up everywhere else besides my head.

_(Which is obviously why I nearly punched Michael Valdez's when he kissed her.)_

Her first boyfriend after was a right bastard though. And I did take a little time to adjust to the right mind set.

So, Lily and Remus were always friends. I never had anything against it. Then, she tutored Peter at the end of fifth year so that was that. She always hated Sirius and I. We were a pair. We came in twos. She wasn't supposed to be his friend when she was not mine.

But then she was.

After the whole thing where Sirius nearly made Moony a killer, he was really careful. He didn't want to be evil, he wanted to be believed in. So he just sort of made all his anti-Voldermort sentiments public, as much so as before but without the death threats to Slyrherins.

_Evans never __**cared **__that I had been doing that all along._

Padfoot struck up a conversation with Evans one day. Or probably, it was the other way round but I can't see it that way. That Evans chose to talk to him about something so serious.

_What did he have that I didn't?_

Apparently, they found they had a lot of common views and that was a link. Pretty soon, with her huge hatred for Sirius conquered, Lily started spending pretty much time hanging around us. I was the tag along at these times, just as her friend Mary was.

Actually I ended up chatting with her a lot, since she wasn't so close to the lads and Lily make things awkward for me. I stayed out of her conversations and she stayed out of mine. We never spoke directly to each other. It was easier for us both like that.

_I liked Lily. But I always wanted her go away __**go away **__so that life would be okay and I wouldn't be pathetic pathetic pathetic __**pathetic PATHETIC **__and feel bad._

Really, at the times they were together, it was me and Mary sitting at one side and waiting for something to agree or disagree with. Then if something important came up, the both of us would carry out our own conversation. It was alright, but I was thankful it didn't happen too often. I'd much rather just have my mates.

I didn't say anything unless someone, usually Sirius, mentioned me or asked for my opinion. He respected my thoughts on blood rights and Quidditch most I think. He said I had this factual way of phrasing my opinions.

_Yeah, and so does every other propaganda artist. So does Voldermost. It's called brainwashing and it's evil and it tricks people into thinking something and when they realise that they become even more evil so whatever I can do __**doesn't HELP**_.

"Muggle borns should not go into hiding just because they're scared."

"They can if they want. Some of us feel scared, Sirius, of being hunted down for something we can't help."

"It's cowardly."

"Not everyone is brave as you think you are. Some people think it's more important to survive. They have families."

"It still isn't right."

"I don't see why not."

"A little help Prongs?"

And that was the way it was. I never talked unless I had to. When she wasn't around, it was complete different of course. It was just Evans. Evans who once flared everything I said and I was afraid to offend.

I still liked her. I really did. She was the passionate, crazy, strong willed bundle of energy and red hair. Except she went from my crazy crush to someone out of my circle and out of my league. She was in the stars while I was stuck on earth. She was unobtainable, she was beautiful and I never had a chance any longer.

_So you spared yourself._

So I didn't try.

I doubt she hated me then. Not anymore. But I had nothing to say to her, and it went both ways. I thought she'd crush all my ideas and fill me up with all of hers from the bright prefect world that existed in her head, the one she wished we lived in.

I liked my imperfections.

So we said nothing.

And she was Sirius' friend, not mine.

I still loved her though.

**A/N: Please review?**


	4. Chapter 4

**CONVOLUTED**

**Chapter 4**

During Sixth year, my mum got sick. With Dragon Pox. Dad caught it soon after. I'm grateful that in this warring society, their deaths were nothing sinister. They simply came down ill and passed away with it.

It was very emotional nonetheless. But it wasn't a sudden attack and I had time to brace myself for the worst.

The news came to us about a month before our sixth year exams. Dumbledore summoned Sirius and I to his study and offered us a sherbet lemon. I'd learnt earlier on that muggle candy was reserved for bad occasions, and so I knew he had nothing good to say.

Then, Dumbledore wiped his glasses. This made me feel nervous.

He didn't mince words. He never does. He told us that my parents' condition had deteriorated and were likely not to even have a month left.

I couldn't even cry. I couldn't take it in. I requested to go see them at St. Mungo's but he told me that they'd given up and gone home.

_(I was so so mad because they didn't even believe and they didn't even try to live for me or themselves and I was too young to be left alone and I wanted them to live until I was old enough and they were happy and I had gotten rid of the evil old Voldy and they could go in better times.)_

I packed up and went home.

I was angry, though I tried not to be. I slammed the door on the way in, I kicked the first chair I saw. I was about to go straight to my parents' room to beg them to try harder to live, if only just for me. It was quite selfish, but I didn't want to say goodbye. I never wanted to.

Sirius convinced me to calm down first and compare my dad and mum to his.

I did, and I had so much to be grateful for. I had always been loved and spoilt. I had a happy family. They didn't support Voldemort. They trusted me to follow my dreams, whether that meant Quidditch or a Ministry position.

I started to sob. I felt so bad. I was an ungrateful brat.

"We'll spend our time well Sirius. We'll stay for the month. We'll make them as happy as we can."

He patted my shoulder and we made our way up to meet my parents.

Which was probably when my life did a three-sixty and spun around again. Because I didn't understand anything else at all.

"James, Sirius. We have something to tell you.

"Your father is in Dumbledore's fighting force. It's called The Order of the Phoenix. You're going to be of age soon.

I didn't get it. It was some sort of huge secret to hide from us, and...I was more than a little bit freaked. I started to yell at my dad, 'cos he was so elderly and he was still dashing after evil like a man half his age. I yelled and screamed and cried myself hoarse.

Then I said I'd join the moment I turned seventeen.

I don't know if anyone knew how to react, but when I was done, we were all hugging and crying and nobody could say anything.

Then my dad suggested I get his old Wizarding Chess set out and we played until the Sun setted.

I had to join the Order though, not only because my dad had been in it or my mum agreed with informing us about it. Not because Dumbledore was in charge.

I believed. I wanted to fight. I had always wanted to be just like my dad. I wanted to do something against the evils of the world, however cliché that is.

In the month or so that we stayed home and got homework by owl, the four of us talked about the future, the past, the present and love.

Sirius didn't have time for it, he said. He would settle later on. He wanted to fight first and live his life free. I had sort of always imagined myself with a nice huge family and all that with a pretty colour spectrum in the house with scrawny little boys and pretty little girls with green eyes.

It was a little young to start thinking and a lot presumptuous, since the mother in question wanted nothing to do with me. I'm sure if the knew the future as I saw it, she would run off and refuse to give me another glance. It was just the sort of thing, like some people saw themselves rich or handsome. Or that they'd suddenly have fame and fortune and the talent to win a Quidditch match solely on Chaser's points.

I saw myself with Lily Evans.

_Which is scary._

Which was more than a little bit freaky.

My father was telling us all sorts of strange things. He said that there was the slightest bit of seer blood in the family line. And a passed down resistance to mind controlling magic. Usually he didn't go onto the whole heritage thing because it was really pure blooded. But he thought I would find it interesting.

It only scared me.

See, it's common knowledge that seer blood skips three generations and all. I _am _that third generation.

And I had always seen myself dying young on Halloween. That was the only solid future thing I knew. That I would die young on Halloween.

And I was scared.

But maybe the resistance part explained why cheering charms sucked on me.

Still, all this convinced me that I should join the Order. I had power. I should put it to good use. Easy as that. And if I was going to die young, the hell be with safety, I would live for meaning instead.

**A/N: Please review? Because there are more story alerts on this than reviews and I really don't know if James is being too girly. I want to know what to improve on. Thanks for reading until here! :) We appreciate it. Really.**


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